Druggies and yahoos

I thought that the decapitated rabbit i found at work yesterday would be the most exciting moment of my week.  I’m still not sure what got it.  On Saturday i saw small predator tracks but there was also a big orange cat hanging out in the back shed for a while this fall.  The decapitation and leaving of the rest of the carcass struck me as cat behavior.  Being January i would expect a fox or a weasel to drag the whole kill off for feasting.  My apologies if you think that i should have felt some remorse…i didn’t; in fact, i took a picture.  I’m a gardener which means i think rabbits are for stewing.  And this will be one fewer rabbit that we’ll have to trap in the spring.

But it wasn’t the most exciting event of my week.  That would be today, when i got to hang out with a State Trooper for a couple of hours while he played CSI.  No, he wasn’t investigating the brutal decapitation of the bunny (which by this morning was nothing but a pile of entrails anyhow).

I’ve been the only person on the property for a week now and that means that things being amiss are pretty obvious.  It started with me noticing tire tracks in a place that there shouldn’t be tire tracks, and then i noticed foot prints that were not mine.  Then i saw a beat up old box fan sitting outside a greenhouse, inside the door of which were a few large pieces of pottery from the gift shop.  My whole walk up to the gift shop and office suggested nefarious visitors too big for the resident weasels to decapitate.

So yeah, with the owners on their winter vacation some jackasses who didn’t even have the intelligence to wear proper, winter footwear on a bitterly cold night broke into the business.  Ok, “broke into” is maybe the wrong phrasing as it’s hard to secure a place mostly constructed of plastic sheeting.  And since it’s hard to fully secure the property we don’t generally bother securing it much at all.  Really, what kind of person steals flower pots?

These geniuses did, and not even the brand new pottery that arrived this winter but the slightly damaged sale pottery from last season.  They also managed to grab all of our old two-way radios (that don’t really work) and one of the new version…except that the batteries were in a plastic bag next to the radios for the winter and they forgot those.  They took the old Delta cordless drill/driver; joke’s on them…that thing was a piece of shit.  A fully charged battery can drive a one inch screw about halfway into a piece of wood before it gives up.  They went upstairs to the office area but didn’t figure out how to get into the office where they could have gotten computers and scanner/printer/fax machines  (it took me about 3/4 of second to get in with a screwdriver to see if anything was gone).  They missed a file cabinet that happened to be unlocked and holding back up change (i didn’t even know it was up there).

And here’s the best part.  I had sold a gift certificate at the Christmas location after we closed.  I took cash and left in the open drawer of the register at the greenhouses, telling the boss it was in there.  He went on vacation without leaving me any cash for fuel, etc. but i got lucky: he forgot about the hundred bones in the cash register.  I saw the drawer all the way open and figured they got $80 (i’d already spent $20).  They didn’t.  They opened the fucking drawer and missed the money.  Crime doesn’t pay when you’re too stupid to bring a flashlight i guess.

They did manage to grab a small horticultural lamp, which makes me think that they got what they were really after.  If you overlook cash but go out of your way to find a step-ladder in order to take a metal-halide HID lamp hanging nine feet off the ground…and don’t bother to pick up the electric weedwhacker still in the box four feet away…you might have known that there was a grow lamp in there.

Shit.  Why couldn’t they just order their grow lamp over the internet like honest dope growers do?  And at least have the self-respect to take some high quality soil with you.  They had to carry the lamp past 12 cubic feet of that, and i just laid something like 600 cubic feet out on tables in one of the houses to thaw. (I’m looking at some easy days for the rest of the week, filling pots in a warm sunny greenhouse…sure i’ll have black snots, but that’s a small price to pay for having your shirt off, basically outside, in January.  I’ll only set the heat at 55 or so, but if the sun hits a 55 degree greenhouse it will get up to 75-80 pretty quick.)

Anyway, i called the cops and sent a message out to the big boss man…who’s pretty laid back, i just didn’t want to rain on the Caribbean vacation.  The Trooper was there for hours.  We both knew that he wasn’t going to catch the kids because he wasn’t even going to try.  Still, we walked all around looking for clues.  He drew pictures of the tire and shoe treads.  He made measurements.  He even got out his super detective scale marker and took pictures of the shoe prints in the snow.  By my admittedly uninformed opinion he is looking for two late teenage boys who like to wear “skate” shoes and are probably driving a small pickup truck.  They are just smart enough to be almost dangerous but either too stupid or too high too be anything approaching criminal masterminds.

Between the festivities, chaining shut all the doors from the inside for the boss’s peace of mind, and me playing tag with his son who had to get a key for me so that i could get out after chaining all the doors shut from the inside (i never needed a front door key since the back doors were always unlocked if you know how to open them) i managed to waste an entire day.

So because of those little fuckers who don’t even have enough self-respect to do a half-assed job of their great criminal plan i’ll have to work Saturday.  The time is upon me where there is no “tomorrow”.  There will barely be time to breathe from here until Memorial Day much less lose a full day of productivity earning my secret detective decoder ring.

I take solace in the fact that they’ll probably fail miserably at growing dope too.  The bright side is that we’ll get a new cordless drill, and that i got to hear my boss say, “Park the plow truck across the driveway so that those yahoos can’t get back in…they might be druggies and try again.”  “Yahoos”?  I think he meant “assholes”, but maybe i’ll start calling people “yahoos”…it really rolls off the tongue.

Oh, and i got a picture of a headless rabbit.


~ by Lex on January 27, 2009.

4 Responses to “Druggies and yahoos”

  1. I get to do more work because other people are dumb, too.

    I like your ‘Tags’, as well… though yours is the only blog on wordpress about dead rabbits and/or high-on punks.

    p.s. I finished ‘Underworld’ (very good) and the episode of the Muppet Show with Peter Sellers is top-notch!

  2. I wasn’t even going to tag this one, because it’s probably pointless unless you know me. So i tagged it with my tongue placed firmly in my cheek.

    Stupidity is the human form of entropy, and thanks to the Second Law of Dumbassedness it is always increasing.

  3. I’m sorry, but your story made me laugh. Bummer you have to work though on Saturday. I shall plant in solidarity with you – this is my volunteer Saturday. I’m planting native species to rebuild an area after parts of it were developed.

    I’ve never worked with these folks before. They said wear your wellies – gloves, tools and snacks provided. Well since they said snacks…

    Which reminds me of another time I volunteered. I was a docent for the National Zoo for years. I volunteered to be wait staff at some fund raiser. They ran out of volunteer tee-shirts. Some fellow “volunteers” left because they didn’t get a shirt. So much for commitment. Maybe they were “yahoos” too. 🙂

  4. Yahoos is my new favorite word. I’m glad it made you laugh, Dawn, it was supposed to. Working a Saturday is far from the end of the world. I wish it was planting, but it’s just getting ready for planting…which is pretty massive undertaking in and of itself. Planting starts Feb 9th.

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